Rivers May 2nd

Wrote this on Rivers blog for the 365 Days of Rivers project and wanted to share here. 

It's late for my new mom schedule but I want to write this down before I forget. Rivers was way more involved today he seemed to understand more of who I was and interacted with me on a whole different level. Smiling with and at me, and doing his old man laugh with me. Today after I fed him I laid him on my chest and he lifted his little head for the longest time to look into my eyes. ( he is getting so strong)

We went out for dinner and did a little shopping which prolonged the time between him being fed and by the time we got home he was really upset. Usually when this happens it's really hard to feed him because he is too frustrated and keeps pulling off. This went on for awhile him latching eating for a few minutes then pulling off and screaming and trying to get him to re latch.

At one point he pulled off but didn't scream but rather looked up right at me and did his baby talk, I didn't think anything of it at first but then he kept going. For almost 3 or 4 minutes Rivers looked right into my eyes and talked to me. As if he was telling me something most important and it needed to be said right away. I just looked and listened in awe of this small interaction. For the first time I felt like he really knows who I am. His Mama, and it was me he wanted to tell this important thing to, not anyone else. Right when he was born he kind of did the same thing as today, rather than cry like most babies he just blinked and looked straight into my eyes. Just watching me.

It's a weird thing to have a brand new baby, especially your first.

The first time I saw Rivers I didn't cry with joy but was rather so shocked he was actually here, I just smiled and couldn't believe he was here and he was mine. Of course I loved him right away, and I worried about him, and felt a great responsibility to love and care for him. But it has taken awhile to feel a connection and deep love for him. I sometimes wondered if he even loved me.

However as time has passed I have felt closer to him and this past week I have felt more and more like his Mama, and a deeper love for him has formed. I love him so much it hurts, he is the most amazing, perfect thing and I feel so lucky and honored I get to be with him all day.

I was reading Corduroy, one of my favorite books, to him to help him fall asleep for the second time tonight. Dave pointed out earlier that in the beginning of the book Corduroy says "I think" about a few different things but after he is brought to his new home he says " I know I've always wanted a home" and I thought, how lucky am I that I get to provide a home for this sweet boy, a place where he can feel loved and know that he is great. What a huge blessing and responsibility, so Oh please Heavenly Father help me to be the best Mother I can so that he always feels and knows that.